Volcano Boarding

Due to the overall stupidity of the event, Volcano Boarding deserves its own entry. It is quite possibly the one of the most dangerous gringo tourist traps that exists in Central America, and most definately the worst use of my money so far this trip. It was obviously invented by Gringos because who else would think up charging tourists roughly 25 dollars to hike up a volcano in blazing heat, and then send them down on a wooden plank at speeds up to 80 km per mile over volcanic rock with no way of stopping besides digging your feet into the rock as hard as you can and hoping not to fall. Are Gringo tourists such ignoramouses and thrill seekers that they would pay good money to most definitely fall and scrape themselves up (I would say casualties run about 50 percent); the obvious answer is yes. The hostel that runs the volcano boarding trips is always full, and fills trips to the volcano every other day. People are literally jumping all over themselves and cutting in line to sign up for these trips. They are screaming, “Please take my money, shove me in an uncomfortably crowded pickup, drive me an hour down a dusty and dirty road, make me hike up a volcano in midday sun sweating bullets, then give me an orange ‘protective’ jumpsuit and a wooden plank, and shove me down steep volcanic rock, and laugh at me when I fall.” But at least we had jumpsuits. I am being really serious on this one, there are other companies that run the same trip except they don’t give protective jumpsuits or safety goggles, and they endorse standing. Now there are more than a few things wrong with this picture:

A. The other companies charge the same exact price; who in their right mind has two options at the same price, one with protective gear and one without, and chooses the one without? I actually met such a halfwit at our hostel the day before we went on our trip. We met her as she was about to leave, wearing only short shorts and a tank top. Pete and I immediately forced her to borrow a pair of Pete’s pants, which she thanked us profusely for later because, surprise, surprise she fell off the board, ate shit and scraped her arm up pretty badly, and would have cut up her legs if it had not been for Pete’s pants. Also, let me elaborate on the nature of Volcano Boarding. You basically sit on a wooden plank with a rope handle, put your feet in the middle of the board, hold onto the handle for dear life, get a shove down the hill and hope you do not crash. If you do feel like you are going to crash or are going to fast you can tap you feet on the lavarocks until you slow down or fall, the slower you want to go, the more you dig your feet in. If you feel you are going too far into any direction to one direction, say left, you lift up your opposite leg, right leg, and you will straighten out. Finally, if you want to go fast you put both legs up in the air. That’s it. Those are all the rules of volcano boarding, it’s not rocket science. But as I said before it is pretty dangerous, about half the people fall, and as you try to fall rocks fly up and hit you in the face and scrape your legs up if you don’t have protective gear. Also, the orange jumpsuits just look much cooler and perfect for Zoolander photo shoots.

B. The other ridiculous thing about the other companies is that they actually endorse people standing up on the boards as if they are snowboard. Lava is not snow folks. It has neither the consistency, nor the same friction levels. I f you try to stand up you WILL fall. About a year ago the Burton Snowboard Team came up to Cerra Negro and tried to Volcano Board and every single one of them fell. They tried different techniques, actual snowboards, the wooden boards; nothing worked. So I am quite shocked when stupid tourists, such as the one in the picture below, try to stand up on the board. If you cannot see the details of the photo the girl is also wearing a jean miniskirt, leggings, a short sleeve, shirt, and has no goggles or sunglasses. She fell shortly after I took this picture. Honestly some people are just ripe for Darwin Awards.

That said it was a hell of a time and I would recommend it to friends, I guess it’s the novelty of it all. The hike up to the top of the volcano, Cerra Negro, was extremely beautiful, I learned a bit about the local geology and history of the ”black hill” (Cerro Negro means black hill in Spanish. It appeared 158 years ago after techtonic activity in what used to be corn fields), got to laugh at my own stupidity and that of my friends, and randomly ran into a guy from a GreenPeace conference I attended two years ago in Washington D.C! Small world huh? Who would have thought I would run into some I knew in the States volcano boarding? And to top it off he was heading up to Utila the next day, so he acted as a courier and brought letters to our friends back at Cross Creek and Utila. So all’s well that ends well…